My Kingdom for a Fritter

With all of the talk about the conventions and the upcoming elections the thing that really has me upset is an apple fritter.  First of all, what is an apple fritter?

An apple fritter is an ugly doughnut.  It lacks the uniformity you expect from a lemon filled or a sprinkled doughnut.  Its shape is unpredictable.  The outer surface looks a bit like a brain with its folded knobs.  The dough is spiced with cinnamon and has chunks of cinnamon apple mixed in.  Above all else, it is deep-fried to the point of being gently crunchy.  A glaze is applied too.  The fritter is over-the-top indulgence.  No one will call the fritter sublime, but it has earned its place in the doughnut pantheon along with French Cruellers, maple bars, glazed, old fashioned, raspberry filled and so on.

So how could someone be upset about a doughnut?  Go to Starbucks in the Seattle area and look at their apple fritters.  Their apple fritters are little wads of chewy, tasteless, goop.  Not only that but they cost at least double what they would at a bakery.  It is upsetting to pay double for something that barely resembles the thing it is named for.  The one quality it maintains is the ugliness.  Gone is any of the delicate crunch and the joyous discovery of an over-fried bit of apple.  Every bit of the Starbuck’s fritter makes a fritter fan angrier and angrier.  This corporate juggernaut is making us forget what apple fritters should taste like.  Starbuck’s is shrinking their food items, draining them of quality and presenting them at double the price.

Starbuck’s is only doing what you are suppose to do in America, which is figure out how to take good ideas and make maximum profit by squeezing every penny out of the transaction even after the fritter has become a lie, a total misrepresentation.  It is the type of thinking that is draining the joy from life.  Yes, an apple fritter at Starbuck’s will make you feel that depressed.


10 thoughts on “My Kingdom for a Fritter

  1. I. M. Bothered

    First things first, America apparently can’t even agree upon how to spell doughnut (or is it donut?). I tend to believe these objects should retain the name based on the earliest commonly-acknowledged notation of ‘doughnuts’ by Washington Irving (in ‘Knickerbocker’s History of New York’, 1809) as used in reference to the Dutch ‘oil cake’, as opposed to the crass, entirely-American (slang) word ‘donut’ (which seems to belie it’s ‘supposed’ phonetic pronunciation).
    Second, a doughnut is (by definition) a type of fried dough confectionery or dessert food (usually ring- or flattened sphere-shaped, though perhaps not exclusively – again, who knows?), and if one would include the oft-neglected maple bar in one’s ‘pantheon’, one should surely not forget the painfully-misshapen fritter. Awful, horrible things (atrocities, if you will) have been committed upon the dignity of what most of us consider to be traditional doughnuts; one only need consider the ‘Nyquil’ or ‘Pepto’ varieties, previously available at Portland, Oregon’s Voodoo Doughnut: . Please believe there are far more heinous shapes and derisions (of doughnuts) than the maligned fritter still in use to this day at said locale (if not simply unpalatable flavors and/or offensive coatings). Perhaps some leeway (and further consideration) should be given to an organization (I use the term loosely) which considers the doughnut not only a multi-purpose food source, but an art form as well.
    That said, I feel (more in response to your final point) one should not consider how depressing ANY given fritter may potentially make one feel, but rather: In how many numerous ways can Starbucks dismantle and bastardize every product (and even more products) than they already have? To even be afforded a simple cup of (plain, which in my opinion need not be stated) coffee, one must order by describing the desired size (using quite exotic terms, mind you), roast color/style (come again?), and specify if and how much space should be left in the vessel for additives.
    Devising the wheel was surely easier.

    1. mueblespasayo

      I look forward to the dismantling as your knowledge of the doughnut is awe inspiring. Also, thank you for carrying the ball forward on the criticism of Starbucks. I feel like a hypocritical idiot for patronizing that ‘organization’.

  2. I.M. Accurate

    Ah… Occam’s Razor, yet another term with multiple spellings coined post-“doughnut”. Don’t count on those chickens, ‘dawg’ [sic].

  3. I.M. Accurate

    I never mentioned ‘purity’, nor was I playing to ‘win’.
    I suggested my beliefs and offered some historical basis for them.
    Do you seek to discuss, or alienate?

  4. mueblespasayo

    Worst joke ever:

    The twist was getting a reputation because ya’ know, the twist. The old fashioned wasn’t interested though. When the twist proposition the old fashioned, the old fashioned said, “do nut enter!”

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